im butter, i mean BETTER

This will be my last post....for a while! Unless i relapse.


These days theres nothing "Crazy" to report. everyday im a little less sore...and more eager to purchase porn.
I will update the world in a few weeks.
bax

this weekend was great.

so besides my root canal pain...this weekend was great!

I got to perform at the Improv with Tom Wilson nice guy, and funny. it was fun to perform 3 days in a row. parking was shitty. there was a fucking pow wow being held next to the club in a park. nice...i had to gimp walk half a mile so thunder rump could fit his poop caked feathers in the trunk of his caddy. (how native of him). shows went ok. one was great the other two were so so. and thats stand up comedy gang! a gamble. some baxter super fans showed up....my hair stylist, attorney, you know the importmant folks!
bax

goodtimes

As I write this my head is throbing......

Root Canal was a success. if digging and drilling a broken tooth, and the smell of bax flesh is good....then yes all is well. more vicadin prescribed. if i had a nickle for every empty pill bottle i have on my bedroom floor, id have thirty bucks and a shot for a walk on role on a "House" episode.

GREAT NEWS UPDATE. I will be MCing at the Tempe Improv this Saturday and Sunday. Im working with Tom Wilson. hes best known as "Bif" from the Back To The Future movies. gotta go...my apple sauce is waiting for me. soft foods and love, ahh just another wednesday!
bax

now what

I had to cancel my Root Canal this past week. did I find christ.....and get better? NO. I got Pharingitias. What?????? Its a fancy name for a sore throat.I tried out the local Urgent Care, only caucasion in the waiting room. it must have been bad for me not to visit my normal doc and wait 3 days to get in. Dr ricky thought i might have strep throat! yes antibiotics again. one mouth problem at a time. i forgot how fun a sinus infection can be. atleast i got the miracle cough elixer. yum...orange and codiene! Atleast this explains why i was so tired after performing last week.


My regular Physician wants me to keep a sleep diary(insert naughty joke here). my insurance turned down my ambien perscription. well worth the 100 bucks to sleep well. after a month she will submit my bedroom journal to prove im struggling with Insomnia.....and tell the world im not getting laid!

Non-medical news.
I finally ate a Rubios fish taco the otherday, AND it was fucking great! all those radio commercials paid off. I went and got a hair cut yesterday and the clip chicks remembered me. ahh its great to have a kooky name and do local radio interviews. it dosnt hurt to look unusual either!
bax

we all make mistakes

Comedy went well the past weekend. the late show on saturday had a group of 20 folks from a bday party bus......i wish the story ended there!


I found out the hard way that all the comedy super fans were trans gender, homo, lesbo cross dressers. christ. I was talking to a "real" girl when a group of tall Ladies???? came out of the womans room. i was excited from just performing when i made the mistake of asking one of the manginas for a hug. half way though the embrace, i knew i had made a poor choice. in my defense penislady had huge tits and great make up....AND yes a fucking adams apple. it was dark in the lobby. her boyfreind asked if i wanted to go to a quiet gay bar. jesus, like i would have pondered the invite if it was a LOUD gay bar. it dosnt matter if it was peacefull or crazy. if the sentance has gay before bar....the answer is NO. goodthing 3 buddies of mine saw all this happen, id hate to have to re tell this campfire tale.

Today im really sore! shocker. i did alot of stairs this weekend. the club is on the top level of a mall. and the green room is up another two flights. i must say its worth the pain to be able to do comedy again!

And for the last story. my state aid health insurance runs out may 1st. So i had to call and make an appointment to get reasset. after talking to the worlds most ignorant woman on the phone(i think she had a pussy). realizing she might also be on welfare, i chose to drive to the Community Welfare Resource Center. big surprise, i was the only white guy there. every stereotype was in full effect. straw hats, vegie pickers, woman rubbing their pregnent bellies, missing teeth. and me using my midwestern upbringing to dazzle the dumb! yes sir, no mam, thank you!!! salutations most of the room never learned. you know what im saying dog. shiz niz.
bax

did ya laugh ?

last night went well. first off my buddy bry and i went to see the movie "Blades of Glory"....very funny!


the comedy show went well. lets be honest. i have not performed stand up in atleast a year. combine that with being hooked up to machines on thanksgiving day and eating "turkey" stuffed with pills. but i got laughs and filled the time nicely. thanks again to my comedy savior and freind frank for giving me a chance. this man has golden heart covered in chocolate. it felt great to knock the dust off my suitcase of sarcasm and make strangers gigle!

sadness rolled in when my doctor didnt call be for a check up. it would have been my first medical booty call. damb ittttt!
video from last nights perforance will be uploaded soon. 5 min of freakyness!
bax

i feel pretty

Rehab is going well. Today i went and got a manicure and pedicure from the asians...no one does it better. the leg massage after was well worth the money!

Easter weekend is near, and i could care less. maybe if it was a "Keg Hunt" my opinion would change. i hope to do some comedy this weekend when my buddy performs at the improv. yesterdays kick ass blood pressure reading was 117/77. fuck yeah. (even after my pepsi chaser). i got to see my cousins the other day who were visiting from Wisconsin. we went to a Mexican restrante'. after my first chips and salsa exercise....i was reminded of my broken filling. thank christ for my strawberry margarita medicine. all 3 of them! the pool here at the house is 78 degrees. almost time for my aqua dancing. i cant wait to thrust kick under water and fight crime.

make no mistake, it seems im having great days....then im reminded of my looming 2004 tax audit. fuckers.
bax

little blue buddys

I have not been sleeping well the past month. i dont know why....life is good. unemployed, audited, sore. what chick wouldnt want me soiling her couch..or cooch! i hit my doctor up for some sleeping pills. i got the green light for some little blue bits of heaven...yes Ambien. on a side note my doc is cool and nice to look at. its great getting bad news from a hottie! it was suggested to me that i show love to a stuffed animal so i could get affection in return. from the look of the photo...its working. I have also been going to UFO meeting just to meet folks freakier than me. General baldazar says hi.

This week i will be doing a guest set when my freind performs at the improv here in Tempe. its been a while since i did comedy. it should be fun to watch. my other crazy news is one of my bp pills was changed again. i keep a blood pressue journal(sad) at this point in my life i have a "diary"......yay, i like emily. very 6th grade of me. anyway, i monitor my bp 3 times a day to see if my numbers come down, some day i want a high blood Pleasure. soon.
bax

i smell something positive.

great. turns out i need a root canal. fucking A...what else could happen to me? drive by, lightning, jet fuel burns, loss of sarcasm!


I went to dentist yesterday. my filling fell out, and it looks like i have an infection in my tooth. imagine my joy if i find out a bad tooth caused all my previous troubles. now im looking at a root canal, and getting a crown. funny part of story is i went to see a buddy of mine who went to school for dentistry at ASU. not all my drinking buds from college turned out to be losers. "Dr. Mike" gave me some antibiotics and a couple Tylenol3's.

My insurance is great for health care. when it comes to the mouth they only cover emergency services. i thought my case was just that. turns out they only cover extraction!!! so i only get a free toothbrush OR have my nub pulled out. i think theres a step in between. im not looking for a set of dr phil awkward white white chompers, just a rescue of my kinda dead molar. oh well.

Atleast i have my poems....you cant take those away mr. medicare.
I think my future is looking brighter......oh wait, thats just my new tooth.
bax

a date with Vicadin

Goodtimes. so far the last couple of days i have ventured to the basement...and made it back upstairs! my stiff joints have been replaced with good old fashioned PAIN. time to celebrate. oh ah...a diet coke anyone. fuck you.

I have my last doctor appointment for awhile is on friday(unless i relapse back to my mystery sickness). on my wishlist 1. Vicadin 2. Tamazapam !

Dear female fans of Phoenix, AZ where are you? recovering fella looking for cooch and cocktails. rsvp pronto. for those interested, i have made progress in finding a massage parlor that caters to the special needs of a penis clad patron.

Future post's will have my new additions to my "Things to do before i die at age 37 from excess" list.
bax

Update-
I just lost a filling. i gave up chewing tobacco, only to chip a fuckn' tooth on a bar straw. christ....whats next? hum, getting shot at a liquor store!

i like flat pavement

im still alive. turns out i didnt make it to the "le Girls" strip club.

I did enjoy an old favorite....the brat! yes beers, onions and salty bad meat. my buddy and i went to a couple bars and then grilled out. big event was me "walking" drunk. great exercise. i didnt feel a thing. however the next day i didnt have a hang over but my ass and upper thighs burned!

Today my journal will read "went downstairs again". its time to start weeding though my boxes o' stuff in my bedroom. some freinds from LA brought my duffle bags of failure to me in phoenix a few months ago. im on day3 of sipping 8oz of regular pepsi in the morning. i have started to tickle my cardio system with caffine and sugar. like a scene from the movie New Jack City......i sat there with a spoon and a lighter shooting up my beverage. off the wagon, never felt sooo good!
bax

in search of a bar stool that fits.

Over the past few months when i was a shut in, i started making a list of things i wanted to do!

Besides being generic and saying "Moving Around More", i have started awkward joga moves. to reward my sore body....im going out drinking tonight! NO ONE SHOULD DIE WATCHING RACHEAL RAY. now before the medical community starts calling telling me to "baby step" back into society, hear me out. In the old days when someone asked if i wanted to go out and grab a beer, I said i was too tired. what the fuck! sure i just got done working 9 days in a row, 18 hours a day. but too tired. what a pussy. as i sat on a couch the phrase" what if" shot though my mind. now bored and sore......i want to have a little fun. my tolerance for booze is near zero(should be a cheap night). im going to a buddys BBQ in the afternoon, then to a strip club.....do they take food stamps? maybe i should bring my old Ironside chair and claim to be a war vet. Navy seals get laid! i read that online! sweaty dollar to hear you hollar.......oh yes.
bax

letters from the ladies

America has responded to my crys for help!

after being given the green light to start the long road back to "normal", I have started my training. with the soundtrack of "Rocky" playing in the background and me rehabing to "The Matrix" fight scenes....I will get better.

I know i dont want to get SINBADED. Yes...im sorry to write comedian Sinbad died of a heart attack. the man who made us giggle in the flick House Guest has passed away. now he can be unnessary rough in heaven with richard jeni. ok back to me.

Fan mail is pouring in. Over the years i have made friends with adult movie stars. rumors fly on the internet that i was on my death hammock....or worse yet died in a hollywood bath tub. im alive and semi well. some buddy asked me "when do you think you will be 100% again"? i havnt been 100 percent since i was 14 years old! well i have to go, its time for my 12 hour icecream cake dose. always finish your medicine...even if you feel better AND Never Skip A Dose!!!
bax

Update- Sinbad is alive...only his carear is dead. sorry for any confusion!

feel my forehead.....is it warm. Lower, Lower

Some of you will reconize this map as level 4 from a "Lord of The Rings" fantasy board game.



The truth is its a high res scan of my Rectum. the tressure is buried by the dark woods.


Big news today.....no sorry im not cured. first, i have a cold! YES A COMMON COLD! with all the crap happing to me lately.............i hadnt come down with a cold or the flu. HELLO, now i have a cough and runny nose. Im going to call in sick today. ahh ha ha. bad news i cant take any "good" meds to clear up my ailments.
the other news of the day....sit down blog readers. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS TODAY!!! i havnt gone to the lower level, where my bedroom is...in 3 months. it was like xmas morning. i was staring at my vast dvd porn collection. a tear left my eye and landed on my coveted copy of "Asshole fever 7, the lost nanny tapes"! according to my buddy and backed up by webmd.com, if a person is healthy enough to climb stairs....they are healthy enough for sex! Today the basement, tommorow the BUTT.
bax

Feeding the furnace

Shit....heres a couple things I miss. enjoying a sundae as a confused 18 year old waitress looks on, and two handing some 80 proof "medicine"!

These days i treat myself to turkey burgers....and diet 7up. when i feel Crazy......I nibble on a meatball. NAUGHTY BAXTER, NAUGHTY!!! Today i went to Walgreens and walked the isles. I used the cart as a "walker". im still amazed at the 80 year old fella burning past me to get his Colon cleaner meds. The pharmacist made a joke "hello mr. baxter, what new pill are you on this week"? I said xanax.

i sat in the backyard today to soak up some sun, atleast with a tan my illness could be chalked up to mental. then something happened that reminded me of a time before being sick. The sweet roar of a leaf blower under the supervision on a tiny brown man with no teeth. yes...monday is lawn day. i moved my rehab inside. All i need is a stray rock taking out an eye.
I saw yesterday Comedian Dick Jeni shot himself in the face. one less unfunny person angry at the world. why be a pussy and kill yourself. drive to the local fruit market, put a brick on the gas pedal and take some Vegans with you.
bax

In home Care

You get what you pay for!

I thought I had "Yellow Fever" aka Asian Chick Cravings.
my idea was to get a hot Korean nurse. my insurance would only pay for greg!

Sometimes when im feeling sad, I'll play my Collective Soul CD. WHY? cause when you are at the bottom....theres only one way to go, UP!

help me....help you.

Nothing new to report. Im still in lovely Phoenix, AZ doing a "what the fucks wrong with me" word search. For a while i was excited. the docs thought i had Cushings Syndrome......very rare. aka "who wants to fuck a star". we all know cancer guys dont get laid!!! now im back to not knowing. i am moving more without a cane, and went to get a haircut...very hot. last week i drove for the first time in 2 months. these days my new drug of choice is Celebrex. helps the joint pain, and from what i hear causes heart attacks. im all about Causes! I met a nurse on myspace.com who wanted to "treat" me. turns out it was a dude. I learned alot about the healthcare system that day....never open a jpeg file named //drballs.
bax

the paparazzi

Celebrity Skin Magazine caught me coming out of a bathroom at the local buritto joint. soon images of me playing wheelchair basketball with iraqi war vets will be on TMZ.com , I wanted you to hear it from me first.
bax

My News Conference

Today a news conference was held to brief the world on my mystery illness. It didn't get the same coverage as the Anna Nicole Smith smelly body raffle.

As I write this blog entry.....i must say, im drug free with a clear head.(It sucks). I mention this for future Living Will Entries. Cardiologist signed off on my 3 stress tests. neurologist has said my spinal tap came negative for all the bad stuff! SO all answers lie with my Endocronologist. when i was in the 2nd grade i had trouble with my adrenal gland. i was diagnosed with "Poucocious Pueperty" mispelled but well understood. i had the balls and pubes of a 16 year old kid. and yes ive been "trimming my bush" ever since.

My symptoms are priceless....and in any other situation, would be hilarious. a fat round head called"Moonface face". a clump of mass on your back called "buffalo Hump" who comes up with these "medical" terms. years ago i thought i had "MEATLOAF FOOT"....however it turned out to be a chubby big toe. irritability is another sign of Cushings. i know...we ALL have the "Cush Rage" ha ha. big ones are high blood pressure, muscle weakness and Severe Fatigue and insomnia. in january i was sleeping 3 hours and watching tv the rest of the time. i earned an associates degree in enginering and cooking from checking out the science, food channels and treating myself to the A-Team reruns.

UPDATE....Its Not Cushings!!!
bax

How the mighty have fallen

My names Baxter and this is my story. In the past ten years I have done things most people only dream of...or not! I have performed stand up comedy in front of thousands of people, been on TV & in movies. Ran on the field at a Brewers MLB game, purchased sex from a hooker, ate lunch with Danny Devito, jumped in a wisconsin lake naked on new years day, and yes....partied at the Playboy Mansion.



These two pictures say alot. A year ago I was at a Pussy Party. the past 2 months I have been in and out of the hospital with high blood pressure and muscle fatigue.

Heres a quick recap. In the past six months I've lost my job, had jury duty, enjoyed a mystery illness, AND been notified of a 2004 audit. Nothing makes you appreciate friends and family more than enjoying a shit turkey dinner on thanksgiving hooked up to hoses & machines while watching a "Dog the Bountyhunter" marathon. HOWEVER.....The biggest hospital letdown was the lack of hot asian nurses who want to suck cock. i've been watching porn for 25 years now & was lead to believe medication was given to patients via the "mouth/penis delivery" system!

no one offered to shampoo my beard of failure.
Before being discharged i was told to quit.....Chewing Tobacco, caffiene, booze, sodium and sex. *special note* the last 2 vices are the most painful. theres nothing like eating a bag of chips and then pulling a chicks hair! I will be posting this blog often with my health updates and attempts to date nurse's.
bax

Coping with symptoms of rage

AngRY SquaRe WheeLS

For those of you playing the "He might be a LOSER" game at home....here are the facts. im 35, unemployed, and have some odd medical condition that is yet diagnosed. my hope now is to be able to have a disease named after me. ahh Baxterea; a buddy suggested nothing good ends in "rea". your butthole will back up my story!!


So lastAugust i visited Phoenix from my basecamp in LA. i was house sitting for a friend.I put myself on the Atkins diet and started riding an exercise bike. son of a bitch...I lost 60 pounds. bobby baxter now stands(ok lays) at 198#. then in November i got sick. now im recording my daily events in hopes of making the vp of programming at the Hallmark Channel cry.
bax